I posted that I was speaking a part of a workshop we are doing for all of our life groups about sex and relationships. My section was how to recover all relationships, including with God, and how to seek to go down the God’s way of the pursuit of relationships and reconciliation.

Here is a part of it:

What you did in the past makes you who you are today but does not define your future.

This is something I always try to remember when it comes to my past relationships. I want to give you a few things that I have leaned hard onto when it comes to the place when we know we have messed up in sex and relationships but I know now that I am forgiven by God, he made me new creation, and I can now be with my wife, without any guilt lingering behind me, for the rest of my life.

Seek after God and Pray for Self-Control

Titus 2:11-14

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.

They only reason why I was able to turn this around was because I know I wanted to glorify Jesus in my relationship. And because I knew what I wanted to do, I needed to have self-control in order to not fall into what I used to do. So I prayed, a lot. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, which is something as believers God helps us with as we follow him.

Self-control naturally leads to perseverance (2 Peter 1:6) as we value the long-term good instead of the instant gratification of the world. Self-control is a gift that frees us. It frees us to enjoy the benefits of a healthy body. It frees us to rest in the security of good stewardship. It frees us from a guilty conscience. Self-control restricts the indulgence of our foolish desires, and we find the liberty to love and live as we were meant to.

A big help on the self-control in the relationship is finding someone who wants the same thing as you. I really do believe that is the reason Kristin and I were able to do things the way it was supposed to go is because we both wanted to glorify Jesus. Were there times in which I wanted to do more. Heck yes! But because we both prayed for self-control and were able to keep it up through the whole relationship.

Let me tell you this, on both parts, guys and girls, if you have your standards and lines, and the person you are dating does not, 99% of the time you will sacrifice your boundaries and go with them. It’s way easier to pull someone down than it is to pull someone up.

Get people around you who you can be real with.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Two are better than one,because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

For me, my downward spiral in the relationship department was cut in half the moment I joined a small group. A group of guys who I confided in, who were there for me every time I messed up. A group of guys who called me out on how stupid I was. And most importantly a group of guys who did not judge me because I messed up but instead lifted me up in prayer.

I’m telling you right now, if you are not being real in your small group, and you are holding things back, and the secrets inside are eating you from the inside out, you are missing out in a huge way. You would be surprised how much your small group leader cares for you. How much your group will come around you and be there for you. You do not have to hold it in any longer because that is a safe place for you to talk and confess. I do not know where I would be if it was not for my small group.

We can let go because God has a hold.

We sin. We mess up. We are to bring it to God. We bring it to him because the Bible says he forgives us because he is faithful and purify us from all of our sin.

1 John 1:9-10

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

I have heard about a born again Christian, can we be a born again virgin? A student asked me this one time. It got me thinking. But it’s not, no where in the Bible does it say this.

Believing wholeheartedly in God’s total forgiveness and making the choice to live righteously and in ways that are pleasing to Him—that is biblical.

You may not physically be a virgin anymore, but when we confess and ask for forgiveness from God, because of his amazing grace, we are then spiritually pure in the eyes of God. Holding onto this thought will ease so much guilt and shame and any guilt and shame you feel after you have done this is not from God from the enemy who does nothing but only want to bring you down with him. Remember you God forgives ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS when we come to Him making us pure because of what Jesus did on the cross.

I’ll pray for you.

I think these are some of the most powerful words we can say to anyone. For me, when someone I know and look up to says those words, it comforts me. Not once have I walked away thinking anything but how awesome it is they would do that on my behalf. Not once have a ever thought they did not do it.

Until I got into ministry.

I’ll pray for you is something I always say. It’s not bad because I really do want to! But then I forget. Am I the only one? I doubt it. The students walk away feeling so much better because their pastor is going to be praying for them, but then what do we do when we forget? I feel awesome thinking back at how many times I probably forgot to actually pray like I told them I would. Does make me a bad pastor? I hope not, just a forgetful one. I know my heart is right when I say it because I do want to.

Let me ask this…

What were to happen if we to just stop saying, “I’ll pray for you” and just right then and there pray for our students? I’m sure some do this, and I want to get there. I think actually praying for our students right then and there will do a few things:

• It will show them you mean what you say.
• It will show them you actually do want to pray for them and with them.
• It makes them feel loved by their pastor or leader.
• It helps them know you believe in the power of prayer.
• They will do it more and more.
• The other students who see you do this will know this is a safe place to be able to go to a leader and be prayed for.
• And…. you will not forget to do it because you just did it.

This is one thing I feel I personally NEED to get better at. So while I am with students on the weekend or in my small group, you will see me praying with them right then and there when something comes up. I want them to know that that is okay.

I want your students to know that that is okay as well!

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

I love to be with and hang out with students. I love to spend time with them in our group in that setting. I love to hang out with them outside of the group in life as well. When I first got into ministry, it seems like I was always around and in their lives. All of that was happening and it was amazing but then it has cut back a bit.

What I have noticed it had been cut down ever since this one huge thing happened to me… I got married. Now before you get all crazy, I love my wife.

She is the best thing on this planet. I seem to have noticed that some of the younger, single, people on our team have all this free time that it feels like I used to, But I don’t anymore. I noticed that it’s mostly because I want to hang out and be with my wife and before we got married I would be out with students almost every night of the week it seems like. I asked myself whether or not if I was losing my youth ministry touch or even if I was caring as much as I used to. But then I realize that there’s different seasons in ministry and life circumstances that causes us to read evaluate how much time is spent where. Even though I’m not out as much as I used to be before I was married there are still areas in my life in which my schedule now shows them even more love, but I different type of love, than before.

Now I get to spend time with my wife and I get to be with her. My guys get to see me with her. I now have the responsibility to show them how to love and care for a wife. That’s something I never got to do before. By me not hanging out every night with them I’m showing them how tomake her a priority.Me showing them how to be a great husband is now one of the most important things I do and that’s something me being not married couldn’t do.

Even if my time is not as much as it was it does not mean the quality goes down. Now we are more intentional with our time together. Our small group mean more because that is a scheduled time where we both know that each one of us will be there and that time has gained way more depth within our group.

I have to remember I still can hang out with them outside group midweek and weekends. My wife is awesome and she knows and understands if their is an emergency with a student I have to go. If there is an event I can go and she will even come with, which is even better. Point is, I just communicate more. There is not more random nights (sometimes there are still, which are so fun) but I just need to be smarter with my time. Doing that I get to be with her and be with my guys.

At first I would get jealous of the younger dudes who get to hang out all the time. And part of me misses that. But I wouldn’t trade my wife in for it. Now I get to be with my students and show them love in different, more meaningful ways when we are together and this time in my life is a different sort of ministry that is not lesser of importance, but different. I can’t wait for the next one.

When you are working with students, you will get the parents. Fortunately and unfortunately this is going to happen. Sometimes you are blessed with parents who are on your side and they will bend over backwards to help you and your group and then you have the parents who seem they have been sent from Satan himself to test your patience. Either way, you are going to get some form, hopefully more of the fans, of parents. When working with students I want to be able to partner up with the parents because they get to see their student way more than you do for the most part.

Something I realized this last week, I have not been the best at this. I had the realization that there are students in my own small group where I have not met their parents at all this year. They come to small group which is awesome. They drive themselves, thank the Lord because I don’t have to worry about them not coming because of a ride situation. But this is not okay.

When I have a student in my group I should be looking at it as I’m also taking in that family. I’m a pastor to that student and that family because we both have a huge common interest: their child. I realized this when one of my students parents and sibling were in a huge accident and I have not met them. Thankfully they are alive, but it was awful and it was a big wake up call for me as a student pastor is that in order for me to minister better to my student in this awful situation is to know their family so you know how to respond in times of crisis. I can be a better pastor when I know the family. I need to be a better pastor and know the family.

So when are investing time in our students in our groups, are we going out of our way to get to know and meet the parents of those who are coming to our group and also pouring into? Can we really be the best pastor to our student we can be if we don’t really know the family and background in which they come from? Is it good enough just to minister to that student who comes in the time they come or does it need to be more than that and partner up and fully be in the lives of our students?

These are some questions I am wrestling with and hoping I am able to re-look at some ways I look to partner with parents and get all the way in.

Doubt is good. You read that right. Doses of doubt is healthy. Students doubt all of the time. Do you let them? Or do you try to shove things down their throat with the “right” answer. So what do you do when students are asking some tough questions and are going through a time where their faith is being rocked? This just happened in my small group and we had a pretty sweet discussions all year long.

Here are some things I constantly need to keep in mind when dealing with students and doubt.

It’s going to happen. Student doubt. I bet at some point in your faith you have doubted or questioned what exactly it is you believe. If we know that it is going to happen at some point in our relationship with the students, we should not be shocked or surprised a=or taken back when they do. Our reaction to them doubting is really important.

Students need to feel there is a safe place to do so. when we provide a safe place for student to ask questions of faith it can actually lead to a stronger faith. When they can talk about it they can flesh out a lot of the questions themselves with a leader guiding them, not dictating their beliefs, but helping them talk it out. You would be surprised how much they know already and it is awesome to see the dots connect.

Doubts do not mean they do not believe anymore. It certainly can lead to that, but when my guys comes to me with doubt I always try to be loving and help them walk through it. What I do know that a majority fo the time those students who have a leader that they can go to, and the leader can go find answers together and are able to talk to them in a way that is loving and caring, realizing they are in a vulnerable position, the end result can be the student will walk away with a greater understanding of what they believe.

I point to Psalms. This book is full of people asking tough questions, being frustrating and doubting. I show my students they are not the only ones who do this and can be healthy as long as we are still trying to seek who God is. It is fun to walk through it with them

What else would you add? Is there anything you think would be good to think about when dealing with doubt? I would love to hear.

It is in my nature to want to make student feel welcome. I want to invite them in. This last year there has been a few students who joined my small group, which is amazing. These students were invited by friends, they were coming consistently  they were engaging in conversation, they were “in”… then one day he was gone. The student disappeared. Just stopped coming. Gone. Not really, cause I still saw him via social media and such, but just not coming to group anymore. The others in the group still invited him to come, I pursued him. Nothing.

What do we do? What happens when students just stop showing up?

• Let them know they are missed. Obviously something, whether inside them or inside the group, happened. I just to let them know they are loved and missed no matter what. Letting them know by either on Facebook or text or call, even when they do not respond back they will know they are not just going to disappear without a trace. I want them to know they are missed.
• Pray for them. Might seem obvious but I think it’s huge. Something going on, and sometime the only thing you can do is pray for them. Pray for their heart to be opened to what you saw them leaning towards when they were around.
• Sick the students from their school on them. I tell the guys in my group just to love on him at school. Not to over bearing, but even though he is not coming to the group anymore that doesn’t mean he is going to be ignored at school by the guys. They will talk to him at lunch, hang at school and always invite him to come back to group to hang out. They will feel the love from the group even if they stopped coming to the group.
• When and if they come back, welcome them like the prodigal son returning and make it known they were missed and that they are loved. Make it seem like they never have missed a beat.

Sometimes students just stop coming. There is nothing we can do. Only God can work on their heart and move them. Our job as their pastor is to be there with open arms if and when they come back to group. I have seen it in my own ministry, sometimes student come back. Sometimes they do not. Sometimes they come back a bit later, after high school. And sometimes, those conversations are some of the best because they realize you were always there for them.

This is a recap video from our spring break trip. This is one of my favorite trips we do and it is amazing because even weeks later students are still talking about it. We partner with CIY (Christ in Youth) and they help us find different organizations to partner up with. It really is quite incredible to see students pay to go to camp to work their butt off. People we are serving also think that it is quite incredible as well. And the students just kill it. I’m so proud of them.

We get to partner with our junior high ministry as we had 126 student with 12 vans that spread out across the county serving in a whole bunch of different ways. It is not all work. We work until 4pm, we head back to our hotel, clean up and head to a local Christian college to eat. That night we have a program with music, teaching, and worship.

If your group doen not do something like this, you need to. What a great way to start some awesome and fruitful friendships and to really show students how to be the hands of feet of Jesus in this world.